


Sometimes the Forest, Sometimes the Trees

by Elsinore_and_Inverness



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27431512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsinore_and_Inverness/pseuds/Elsinore_and_Inverness
Summary: “We’re really not doing very well here.” Drumknott took a deep breath and the pen back.
Relationships: Rufus Drumknott & Havelock Vetinari
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Sometimes the Forest, Sometimes the Trees

Lord Vetinari watched Rufus Drumknott’s hands fly over the paperwork he had brought with him. It was not so much that the clerk would not appreciate being interrupted when he was working at this rate as that it would be quite hard to do. Or it would be, if one had not determined what vocal pitches the young man was sensitive to. It was a delicate balance, and probably not entirely possible to avoid tension and fear at the moment of interruption.

Despite confidence in his extraordinary skill and certainty that his nervousness and abnegation in no way interfered with his ability to do his job—ye gods, they really were similar—Rufus had confided in Vetinari the specific fear of being asked to leave, with the addendum that this was not due to any failure to make him feel secure, quite the contrary, in fact.

Someone, somewhere had hurt Rufus on some deep level to make him feel that he ought to take up no space and draw no attention to himself. It was worrying. Of course people assumed he had made himself that way for Vetinari’s benefit or that was why he had the job, but that was not true. He was the best clerk in the city and a dear friend. 

“You are a marvel.” Vetinari knew Drumknott would not hear the quiet words and might reject the observation if he did.

A modulated sigh a few minutes later indicated that the spell was broken. “It all feels a bit of a farce. I mean this form—“ Drumknott waved a few sheets of paper, “Is only five pages because I want it to be.”

“What other length would it be?”

“And it does not seem fair that I should derive joy from that which is a burden to others.”

“To find it where they do not find it? You are dedicated to the functioning of civil society. You are not creating a burden.”

“I fear I may do something awful without knowing.”

“I would not let you.”

Drumknott considered this. He trusted Vetinari’s judgment; he often had a perspicacious perspective on what needed to be done, but he was one person. “You might.”

Rufus’s pen was moving across paper once again.

“Have you caught sight of the root of what’s bothering you?”

The pen stopped moving. “The notion that things have frequently been this bad is not helpful.”

“Ah. You’re looking at one of those spokes of the wheel.”

“What do you mean?” 

“One of the ones upon which it is not written ‘coming around again makes the cart move.’”

“How are you doing so well?”

Vetinari picked up the pen that had rolled away and spun it around his fingers. “It’s tenuously balanced, I admit, but sometimes… ease, near-gladness comes by, unbidden and irrational.”

“You’re allowed to guard that for yourself. Having the capacity to pour from an empty cup does not mean you have to do so. Knowing that what you can give is not substantially curtailed by being in torment does not make it wrong to try not to be. You can have things for yourself even with the knowledge that they do not benefit anyone else.”

“You know I can’t believe that.”

“What if I said I was allowed those things?”

“I would be considering looking up the guild rates for whoever made you feel like that was in doubt and had to be stated.”

“Surely you can see the logical disconnect here?”

“You know what I would mean by saying I do not.”

“We’re really not doing very well here.” Drumknott took a deep breath and the pen back. “There are at least ten people who want you to be happy.”

Vetinari frowned as he ran through the tally. He came up with nine* people Rufus was probably thinking of for a certain value of ‘want you to be happy.’ “Are you… including Mustrum Ridcully?”

Rufus nodded.

“He threatens to turn me into a gecko once a month. I consider ‘being turned into a gecko’ to be a traumatic experience.’”

“You could explain that to him.”

“I sometimes feel quite strongly that it is not anyone else’s concern whether I am suffering mentally.”

“You should allow it to be. In the full, normative sense of the word ‘should’ and that is not a judgment I make often.”

“It just makes the situation even more exhausting.”

“Even if it’s me?” Drumknott knew the answer, but it was not the same as hearing it.

“Not if it’s you.”

*Rufus, Sybil, Rosie, his aunt, his dog (it did not occur that Drumknott might not think of the dog as a person), Margolotta, Leonard if you were to pose the question, probably Vimes, Downey parenthesis question mark parenthesis 


End file.
